Finding Trusted Allies
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You're not the only person who's facing these trials. A lot of people are silently cheering for you to get back on your feet. |
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You're not alone. Other people have faced similarly horrible experiences and have survived. Here's how to find them and find help. There are a lot of people silently cheering for you to get back on your feet. You are not alone.
Finding Allies
An attorney who had dealt with hundreds of clients often talked about Three Circles. He said something like this: “Right now you feel like everyone in the world, or at least in this city, is staring at you every time you walk down the street or into a restaurant. In reality, think of three groups of people, like three circles in a bullseye. The big outside ring of the circle is the 90% of people who don’t know anything about what happened to you and they don’t care. Inside that is the middle circle that contains 10% of the people. They are the ones who either think you're innocent or they think you're guilty, and there's pretty much nothing you can do to change their mind. In the very center are your family and closest friends. They don’t care what or why anything happened, they just love you and want to help.”
“How Do I Find My True Allies?”
The friends who are at the center of the bullseye – those who will be really helpful – might surprise you. They are seldom the friends you see most often and spend the most time with. The latter are lifestyle friends. Lifestyle friends like hanging out with us, but they probably wouldn't be our friend if they didn’t work with us, play tennis with us, or live next door to us.
Other people who survived these traumatic events have found that some of these true allies in the center of the bullseye were past mentors, very close long lost friends, or even new friends with a surprising understanding or sensitivity to a similar situation. As the "Finding True Allies" pdf below explains, connecting with the people in any of these three groups – uncomfortable as you feel – can be important to you both. These are some of the people silently cheering for you to get back on your feet.
Finding Allies
An attorney who had dealt with hundreds of clients often talked about Three Circles. He said something like this: “Right now you feel like everyone in the world, or at least in this city, is staring at you every time you walk down the street or into a restaurant. In reality, think of three groups of people, like three circles in a bullseye. The big outside ring of the circle is the 90% of people who don’t know anything about what happened to you and they don’t care. Inside that is the middle circle that contains 10% of the people. They are the ones who either think you're innocent or they think you're guilty, and there's pretty much nothing you can do to change their mind. In the very center are your family and closest friends. They don’t care what or why anything happened, they just love you and want to help.”
“How Do I Find My True Allies?”
The friends who are at the center of the bullseye – those who will be really helpful – might surprise you. They are seldom the friends you see most often and spend the most time with. The latter are lifestyle friends. Lifestyle friends like hanging out with us, but they probably wouldn't be our friend if they didn’t work with us, play tennis with us, or live next door to us.
Other people who survived these traumatic events have found that some of these true allies in the center of the bullseye were past mentors, very close long lost friends, or even new friends with a surprising understanding or sensitivity to a similar situation. As the "Finding True Allies" pdf below explains, connecting with the people in any of these three groups – uncomfortable as you feel – can be important to you both. These are some of the people silently cheering for you to get back on your feet.
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“How Can My Family Help?”
Your family almost certainly doesn’t know what to do for you (in the best of cases) or with you (in the worst of cases). That’s partly because we don’t know what to ask from them.
Even in the best of these cases, your trauma is taking a toll on your spouse. The best things they can do are the small things that will initially help both of you. Things that make them feel useful and make you act more normally toward them. Some helpful things that helpful spouses have done in the past include reducing household chores, providing an indulgence (a favorite meal or night out), or providing a positive reminder why they married you in the first place.
These aren’t things you can easily ask your spouse to do. But here is a list of actions -- conversation-actions, bonding-actions, and workload-actions -- that you both might find useful. Here's a website link that gives some additional ideas.
Interestingly, the list might also be a missing element in what you can do for them. They, too, are going through a lot.
"Where Else Can I Look?"
In their advice on resilience, the American Psychological Association (APA) lists some resources. Our Resources page, has some of the specific resources that have been helpful to people.
• Self-help groups. Sharing information, ideas, and emotions can give valuable assistance.
• Books. Motivating strategies from people who have successfully managed adverse situations.
• Faith-based groups. Small groups or nondenominational meetings can give comfort and direction
• Online resources. Information on the web can be a helpful source of ideas, but the quality varies.
• Professional care. A licensed psychologist can help develop ways to move forward, especially if one is stuck.
• Recovery groups. Addressing underlying addiction or dependence issues can help restore control and direction
We’ll Do What We Can to Help You
You'll need time alone to recover, but an easy tendency is to go too far in that lonely direction. We’ll try to give you virtual support, but you also need positive personal connections. Reach out to those people at the center of your bullseye. Reach out to them, and we’ll wait here.
Look again at the emailed note at the top of this page.
Like the email, we can remind you that you’re not alone, but it’s going to be the personal connection with these people at the center of your bullseye that proves this to you.
